1 Me missus bought a paper-back down town on Saturday

2 "Er left 'and 'eld a length of rope and in 'er right a whip

3 Watching Doris bump and grind could not 'ave been much grimmer

4 Now, if you knew our Doris you would see just why I spluttered

5 Old Doris screamed, 'er teeth shot out; my God what 'ad I done!

1 I 'ad a peep into 'er bag; 'twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

2 She threw them down upon the floor and then began to strip

3 then things went from bad to worse - she tumbled off her Zimmer!!

4 I'd spent two months in traction for the last complaint I'd uttered

5 She moaned and groaned, then shouted out: "Step on the other one!"

(down to ending 5)

1 Well, I just left 'er to it and at ten I went to bed.

2 Well, fifty years or so ago, I might 'ave 'ad a peek

3 She struggled up upon 'er feet a cuppla minutes later

4 She stood there nude, just naked like, bent forward just a bit.....

1 An hour later she appeared - the sight filled me with dread! (up to 2)

2 But Doris 'asn't weathered well; she's eighty four next week! (up to 3)

3 She put 'er teeth back in and said that I must dominate 'er!!! (up to 4)

4 I took a pace to brace meself - and stood on 'er left tit!!! (up to 5)

5 Well. listeners - I won't tell no more what 'appened on that day

5 Suffice to say, me jet black 'air turned fifty shades of Grey!!!